Archive for the ‘Blog’ Category

A Sale To Consume Us All

Monday, February 10th, 2014

Celebrate your overlords the same way you celebrate your presidents, with a mattress sale.

Shoggoth by electictixx. Thanks to Mike Payne for help with jokes.

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If Facebook cut a lookback For Real Movies

Friday, February 7th, 2014
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If the facebook algorithm cut a lookback for real movies this is what I think it would look like.

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Wednesday, February 5th, 2014
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Skinja is a short film I made with the help of Kickstarter supporters. Check it out. I’m in the process of trying to get the feature length made and looking for producing partners. The script is fantastic, if you’re interested let me know.

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Please Support Skinja

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

Hey I’m making a movie, please follow our progress on Facebook and Tumblr:

Skinja: You can't spell assassin without ass, ass, and sin

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Top 5 Best Walt Clyde Frazier Suits

Sunday, February 20th, 2011

This is dedicated to NBA Legend and Knicks Broadcaster, Walt Clyde Frazier.

While fellow broadcaster Craig Sager goes for shock value.

Walt can make over the top seem like understated elegance. Here are my Top 5 Walt Clyde Frazier suits:

5. Double Breasted Leather

At 6′ 4″ of leather he’s probably wearing a suit that weighs more than the guy next to him.

4. Pink Inferno

It’s not a suit, but what jacket could withstand the open fire of pink flames.

3. The Prowler

They might have cleaned up Times Square but they’re still pimps in Madison Square Garden.

2. The USDA Prime Cut

While you’re wearing a leather jacket, Walt Clyde is wearing the damn cow!

1. The Straight Magician

What makes him a magician? He’s not a superhero, but still gets laid in a cape.

Honorable Mention to Darryl Dawkins at 2011 All Star Game for:

The Chocolate Silk Shake

Finally a suit that says me so fashionable.

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WNBA Offseason

Sunday, February 20th, 2011

[full story]
Diana Taurasi’s ban for doping was lifted by the Turkish Basketball Association where she plays in the offseason of the WNBA.Which begs the question, how bad is the WNBA that you have to go to Turkey to make money?

I’ve decided to see what other WNBA players are doing to make money in the offseason.

Lauren Jackson is earning extra scratch by working in a Chinese coal mine. Careful Lauren, the boys tend to get frisky in the dark!

Cappie Pondexter flew to Indonesia to be a dumpster scavenger. You think running on sand is hard? Try running up a mountain of garbage.

Swin Cash is sifting through silt looking for blood diamonds in Sierra Leone. Looks like even a professional athlete can’t keep up with those guys.

Saddest of all, Chamique Holdsclaw had to go work in a brothel in the Red Light District in Amersdam. It’s gonna be a long off season.

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Michael Vick, Turn that Crime Upside Down!

Saturday, February 19th, 2011

From a mural on Allegheny Avenue in Philadelphia

[full story]
Eagles Fans have embraced Michael Vick with all his flaws, and made lemonade from dead dogs. What better way to taunt the other team than by saying, “Our quarterback is gonna kill you like a bunch of puppies.”, when your quarterback actually kills puppies.

With so many borderline criminals in the NFL other fan bases should turn their star player’s frowns upside down.

Ray Lewis and friends stabbed to death two men outside an Atlanta nightclub. Hey Ravens fans, start yelling at the other teams quarterback, “Ray Lewis is gonna sack you so hard you’re gonna look like those guys he killed outside an Atlanta nightclub.”

Donte Stallworth, while driving over the legal limit, struck and killed a pedestrian. Bad for a regular person, awesome for a wide receiver. What fan doesn’t want a receiver that will kill to get where he’s going?

What do rape and football have in common? They’re both about violating someone’s personal space.

Look Plaxico is a moron. This is the best I can do.

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The Greatest Monument to Quixote

Monday, November 29th, 2010

Here’s the Don Quixote monument in the South Kensington section of Philadelphia.

And here it is in its surroundings. It’s the perfect monument to the quixotic.


In 1997, Ciudad Real in Spain donated the statue in the hopes of encouraging one of Philadelphia’s few Puerto Rican neighborhoods.

From the Historical Society of Philadelphia:

The Spanish city of Ciudad Real in the region of La Mancha gifted this 14-foot bronze sculpture to the Spanish-speaking people of South Kensington in 1997 as a token of friendship and cooperation between the two communities. The idea of the sculpture was conceived in 1994 when a visiting delegation of Spanish businessmen met with local representatives of the American Street Empowerment Zone; both groups saw an opportunity to increase economic exchange between pan-Latino South Kensington and Spain. Placed at the gateway to the American Street Empowerment Zone, Quixote overlooks the razed site of Schmidt’s Brewery — the quintessential reminder of Kensington’s former industrial might — and embodies the hopes and aspirations of a neighborhood on the rise.


Quixotic means idealism without regard to practicality. I can’t think of a more quixotic act than dropping a Don Quixote statue in the middle of a Puerto Rican ghetto under the premise, “Puerto Ricans speak Spanish, Cervantes spoke Spanish, why not?”


What other monument both pays homage to the person and actively displays their greatest feat. It would be like if someone built a Christopher Columbus monument that sailed back and forth across the Atlantic.

Quixote faces his ferocious Giant.

Yah, yah!

Faster!, I don’t seem to be getting any closer.

Yah, yah, we’re almost there.

It can be hard to confront your limits. At the end of Quixote he becomes completely sane and then dies of heartbreak.

Just to enjoy a statue you need a little bit of delusion. The thought of even building one seems dumb unless you ignore most of history.

If you take away all the delusion this is all thats left, a ceaseless grind. To not see any hope in a grey day is its own illusion.

Keep your ideals cause at least then you have a shot at taking on the windmill. By the way I’ve never read Don Quixote.

Photos Courtesy of Dan and Robert Goodman.

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A Modern Romance

Friday, December 4th, 2009

Every woman wants to be told she’s worth a million dollars. Mahmoud means it.

Excerpt from the book:

No one had ever talked to her that way. When Mahmoud said, “I fucking kill you.” her heart melted. 

He wasn’t just a malnourished terrorist. He had a sensitive side, like when he cleaned his gun. Watching those delicate hands oiling the gun barrel, she thought, “Oh!, how I want to be Mahmoud’s Kalishnikov and have him fire me in the air for no good reason. Use me Mahmoud. Use me to pistol whip the faces of those that don’t understand our love.”

Sometimes love points a gun at your heart, ties it up, and forces it to pee in a bucket during a 12 day stand off.

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Supreme Dictator Won’t Call Out Fat Chicks

Sunday, November 29th, 2009

She wasn't fat, it was just this much hanging off the side

She wasn't fat, it was just this much hanging off the side

The Supreme Dictator of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has suggested that his citizenry lose weight. Chavez smartly only mentioned gordos (fat men) in his speech about obesity. When referring to Venezuela’s female citizens he said,  “I’m not saying fat women, because they never get fat.” He added coyly: “Women sometimes fill out.” [full story]

Meanwhile Chavez has no problem telling the President of Spain he’s a fascist to his face or calling George Bush the Devil in UN speeches.  Or check out a clip from Hugo Chavez’s presidential call-in show, “¡Alo, Presidente!”. He calls Bush a donkey at 0:50 :YouTube Preview Image

Good Morning, Obama! coming soon

Good Morning, Obama! coming soon

Even a despot in complete control of the state’s media, police, and military wouldn’t dare call a woman fat. Order must be maintained, and fat women must always be told they look good. These are society’s rules.

Ironically, dictators are always crowd pleasers. They always tell people what they want to hear, “We’re gonna win the war. No more taxes. The revolution is here. It’s not your fault, it’s the foreigners.”

Chavez always plays the crowd. He sings love songs:YouTube Preview Image

He uses Venezuela’s passion for Baseball to pump up his speeches. He says he gonna beat Bush with a bat. And whose bat is it? It’s Detroit Tigers and Venezuelan hometown hero Miguel Cabrera‘s bat:YouTube Preview Image
Makes you wonder if the Al Gore or John Kerry grew some Hugo Balls, maybe things would look a little different.

Kerry Connects with the Everyman

Kerry Connects with the Everyman

Check out the show he puts on when he visits Russia. Work the maracas, baby!YouTube Preview Image
Hugo Chavez is the Party President! Oooowww!

The CIA staged a coup, political opposition has fought for years, but Chavez knows the truth, don’t tell the truth and people will love you. Tell women they need to lose weight and you’ll have an Angry Fat Lady Army(AFLA) revolution.

The women won’t actually do anything,  they’ll just make their brow beaten husbands overthrow the government. It’ll be the first revolution out of obligation.

“Tell him.”

Man shuffles forward while his fat angry wife looks on,”Look Chavez we gotta ask you to go. Karen is really pissed, I mean you understand. She’s really sensitive about her weight.”

Chavez,”Okay dude, I was wasted. Sorry.”

End Scene. The Chavez Regime has fallen.

For more on why you should hate skinny bitches, Mo’Nique. :YouTube Preview Image

Or read her book:

In this case Evil means: Doesn't breathe heavily while eating a steak.

In this case Evil means: Doesn't breathe heavily while eating a steak.

The isn’t the first time Venezuelan weight has made the news. Below Venezuelan Miss Universe Alicia Machado who almost lost her crown after gaining too much weight.
Alicia "I like Snacks and Dudes" Machado

She's definitely thinking about Snausages.

Donald Trump told Howard Stern she was an “eating machine”. She later fucked Fernando Acaso on the Mexican version of Celebrity Big Brother,  La Granja de Los Famosos(The Celebrity Farm). Bobby Abreu of the Anaheim Angels wasn’t happy because well, he was engaged to her.

For the full video of Alicia Machado cheating on Bobby Abreu [click here] SFW.

Minute 3:45 is when the silly shit kicks in. words, “Tienes una pinga divina.” You have a divine cock.

You never want someone to cheat, but there’s something worse about fucking a guy on reality t.v. who is famous for dubbing over the voice of Jim Belushi.

Now a scene of Bobby Abreu finding out she cheated on him:

Bobby Abreu: Big Brother?

Friend: Nope. Mexican Big Brother.

Bobby Abreu: The Spanish Voice of John Belushi?

Friend: Nope. Jim Belushi.

Bobby Abreu: Jim Belushi! Wow I am a superstar baseball player and she just cheated on me with the human equivalent of Pathmark brand Cola.

Results are in: She prefers the Real American Taste of Esselunga Cola

Alicia Machado prefers the Real American Taste of Esselunga Cola.


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