Baby Abs is the only way to take your baby from a bed wetter to a bed shredder.

Click here to view the embedded video.

OSVU: Overly Sensitive Victim’s Unit. These dedicated detectives must be bring justice to the thin skinned. Based on the  True Events of my stand up being protested by Columbia students. Trigger Warning!

Skinja is a film I wrote & directed. It’s about a stripper by night, ninja by later that night.

http://fusion.net/Culture/video/satire-12-years-temp-498089

Celebrate your overlords the same way you celebrate your presidents, with a mattress sale.

Shoggoth by electictixx. Thanks to Mike Payne for help with jokes.

If the facebook algorithm cut a lookback for real movies this is what I think it would look like.

Skinja is a short film I made with the help of Kickstarter supporters. Check it out. I’m in the process of trying to get the feature length made and looking for producing partners. The script is fantastic, if you’re interested let me know.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Here’s my 2012 shit

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A Longer Set.

Me at Hot Soup in NYC.

Doesn’t matter which way you flip it, shit is looking up.

Broke Folk are the best hang.

In the basement of a BBQ restaurant this either where it all starts or ends.

While everyone is worried about Albert Pujols contract here’s something nobody is talking about: Pujols hosts a down syndrome bowling night every year. It’s called Hitters and Splitters(for obvious reasons).

Perfect game say hello to the genetic seven ten split.

This is literally the entire range of humanity. Albert Pujols, the best baseball player, and a kid with down syndrome. We all fall somewhere in the middle.

Here are the first two notches in that spectrum.

I don’t know how, but the one on the right looks like the more responsible one.

Even Filipino Down Syndrome kids love bowling, it’s the international language of Downy.

Bocce ball, proof that hipsters and retards love the same things.

A Down Syndrome woman in 2006 even participated in the USBC Women’s bowling championship: http://www.bowlersdream.com/bowidosycoin.html

If Downies can compete with regular people then I guess that means we’re all retarded at the bowling alley.

More importantly this guy, Norm Duke is one of the greatest bowlers of all time. They claim he’s not retarded.

The evidence says otherwise.

Many Pro Bowlers really blur the line between whose retarded and whose not.

They say this guy isn’t retarded.

And this guy is.

I can’t tell the difference.

If you know more pro bowlers that look retarded send their pictures to dan@normsports.com

In the meantime, All hail Wes the Bowling King!

This is dedicated to NBA Legend and Knicks Broadcaster, Walt Clyde Frazier.

While fellow broadcaster Craig Sager goes for shock value.

Walt can make over the top seem like understated elegance. Here are my Top 5 Walt Clyde Frazier suits:

5. Double Breasted Leather

At 6′ 4″ of leather he’s probably wearing a suit that weighs more than the guy next to him.

4. Pink Inferno

It’s not a suit, but what jacket could withstand the open fire of pink flames.

3. The Prowler

They might have cleaned up Times Square but they’re still pimps in Madison Square Garden.

2. The USDA Prime Cut

While you’re wearing a leather jacket, Walt Clyde is wearing the damn cow!

1. The Straight Magician

What makes him a magician? He’s not a superhero, but still gets laid in a cape.

Honorable Mention to Darryl Dawkins at 2011 All Star Game for:

The Chocolate Silk Shake

Finally a suit that says me so fashionable.

[full story]
Diana Taurasi’s ban for doping was lifted by the Turkish Basketball Association where she plays in the offseason of the WNBA.Which begs the question, how bad is the WNBA that you have to go to Turkey to make money?

I’ve decided to see what other WNBA players are doing to make money in the offseason.

Lauren Jackson is earning extra scratch by working in a Chinese coal mine. Careful Lauren, the boys tend to get frisky in the dark!

Cappie Pondexter flew to Indonesia to be a dumpster scavenger. You think running on sand is hard? Try running up a mountain of garbage.

Swin Cash is sifting through silt looking for blood diamonds in Sierra Leone. Looks like even a professional athlete can’t keep up with those guys.

Saddest of all, Chamique Holdsclaw had to go work in a brothel in the Red Light District in Amersdam. It’s gonna be a long off season.

From a mural on Allegheny Avenue in Philadelphia

[full story]
Eagles Fans have embraced Michael Vick with all his flaws, and made lemonade from dead dogs. What better way to taunt the other team than by saying, “Our quarterback is gonna kill you like a bunch of puppies.”, when your quarterback actually kills puppies.

With so many borderline criminals in the NFL other fan bases should turn their star player’s frowns upside down.

Ray Lewis and friends stabbed to death two men outside an Atlanta nightclub. Hey Ravens fans, start yelling at the other teams quarterback, “Ray Lewis is gonna sack you so hard you’re gonna look like those guys he killed outside an Atlanta nightclub.”

Donte Stallworth, while driving over the legal limit, struck and killed a pedestrian. Bad for a regular person, awesome for a wide receiver. What fan doesn’t want a receiver that will kill to get where he’s going?

What do rape and football have in common? They’re both about violating someone’s personal space.

Look Plaxico is a moron. This is the best I can do.

He is extremely scared of AIDS.

Actual Caption, "~JACK BOI BLOCK~"

Hey don’t forget, Santa is just a dude breaking into your house.

Remember a mac-10 is never a slimming gun.

Here’s the Don Quixote monument in the South Kensington section of Philadelphia.

And here it is in its surroundings. It’s the perfect monument to the quixotic.

QUIXOTE ABOUT TO VENTURE FORTH.

In 1997, Ciudad Real in Spain donated the statue in the hopes of encouraging one of Philadelphia’s few Puerto Rican neighborhoods.

From the Historical Society of Philadelphia:

The Spanish city of Ciudad Real in the region of La Mancha gifted this 14-foot bronze sculpture to the Spanish-speaking people of South Kensington in 1997 as a token of friendship and cooperation between the two communities. The idea of the sculpture was conceived in 1994 when a visiting delegation of Spanish businessmen met with local representatives of the American Street Empowerment Zone; both groups saw an opportunity to increase economic exchange between pan-Latino South Kensington and Spain. Placed at the gateway to the American Street Empowerment Zone, Quixote overlooks the razed site of Schmidt’s Brewery — the quintessential reminder of Kensington’s former industrial might — and embodies the hopes and aspirations of a neighborhood on the rise.

WOAH ROCINANTE!

Quixotic means idealism without regard to practicality. I can’t think of a more quixotic act than dropping a Don Quixote statue in the middle of a Puerto Rican ghetto under the premise, “Puerto Ricans speak Spanish, Cervantes spoke Spanish, why not?”

EVEN QUIXOTE MUST RESPECT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS.

What other monument both pays homage to the person and actively displays their greatest feat. It would be like if someone built a Christopher Columbus monument that sailed back and forth across the Atlantic.

Quixote faces his ferocious Giant.

Yah, yah!

Faster!, I don’t seem to be getting any closer.

Yah, yah, we’re almost there.

It can be hard to confront your limits. At the end of Quixote he becomes completely sane and then dies of heartbreak.

Just to enjoy a statue you need a little bit of delusion. The thought of even building one seems dumb unless you ignore most of history.

If you take away all the delusion this is all thats left, a ceaseless grind. To not see any hope in a grey day is its own illusion.

Keep your ideals cause at least then you have a shot at taking on the windmill. By the way I’ve never read Don Quixote.

Photos Courtesy of Dan and Robert Goodman.

They’re doing their best to make her feel part of the family.

(Thanks much for this submission from user J-Dawg.)

I like my women like I like my cars, illegal and bound to make people sad.