Celebrate your overlords the same way you celebrate your presidents, with a mattress sale.

Shoggoth by electictixx. Thanks to Mike Payne for help with jokes.

If the facebook algorithm cut a lookback for real movies this is what I think it would look like.

Skinja is a short film I made with the help of Kickstarter supporters. Check it out. I’m in the process of trying to get the feature length made and looking for producing partners. The script is fantastic, if you’re interested let me know.

This is dedicated to NBA Legend and Knicks Broadcaster, Walt Clyde Frazier.

While fellow broadcaster Craig Sager goes for shock value.

Walt can make over the top seem like understated elegance. Here are my Top 5 Walt Clyde Frazier suits:

5. Double Breasted Leather

At 6′ 4″ of leather he’s probably wearing a suit that weighs more than the guy next to him.

4. Pink Inferno

It’s not a suit, but what jacket could withstand the open fire of pink flames.

3. The Prowler

They might have cleaned up Times Square but they’re still pimps in Madison Square Garden.

2. The USDA Prime Cut

While you’re wearing a leather jacket, Walt Clyde is wearing the damn cow!

1. The Straight Magician

What makes him a magician? He’s not a superhero, but still gets laid in a cape.

Honorable Mention to Darryl Dawkins at 2011 All Star Game for:

The Chocolate Silk Shake

Finally a suit that says me so fashionable.

[full story]
Diana Taurasi’s ban for doping was lifted by the Turkish Basketball Association where she plays in the offseason of the WNBA.Which begs the question, how bad is the WNBA that you have to go to Turkey to make money?

I’ve decided to see what other WNBA players are doing to make money in the offseason.

Lauren Jackson is earning extra scratch by working in a Chinese coal mine. Careful Lauren, the boys tend to get frisky in the dark!

Cappie Pondexter flew to Indonesia to be a dumpster scavenger. You think running on sand is hard? Try running up a mountain of garbage.

Swin Cash is sifting through silt looking for blood diamonds in Sierra Leone. Looks like even a professional athlete can’t keep up with those guys.

Saddest of all, Chamique Holdsclaw had to go work in a brothel in the Red Light District in Amersdam. It’s gonna be a long off season.

From a mural on Allegheny Avenue in Philadelphia

[full story]
Eagles Fans have embraced Michael Vick with all his flaws, and made lemonade from dead dogs. What better way to taunt the other team than by saying, “Our quarterback is gonna kill you like a bunch of puppies.”, when your quarterback actually kills puppies.

With so many borderline criminals in the NFL other fan bases should turn their star player’s frowns upside down.

Ray Lewis and friends stabbed to death two men outside an Atlanta nightclub. Hey Ravens fans, start yelling at the other teams quarterback, “Ray Lewis is gonna sack you so hard you’re gonna look like those guys he killed outside an Atlanta nightclub.”

Donte Stallworth, while driving over the legal limit, struck and killed a pedestrian. Bad for a regular person, awesome for a wide receiver. What fan doesn’t want a receiver that will kill to get where he’s going?

What do rape and football have in common? They’re both about violating someone’s personal space.

Look Plaxico is a moron. This is the best I can do.

Here’s the Don Quixote monument in the South Kensington section of Philadelphia.

And here it is in its surroundings. It’s the perfect monument to the quixotic.

QUIXOTE ABOUT TO VENTURE FORTH.

In 1997, Ciudad Real in Spain donated the statue in the hopes of encouraging one of Philadelphia’s few Puerto Rican neighborhoods.

From the Historical Society of Philadelphia:

The Spanish city of Ciudad Real in the region of La Mancha gifted this 14-foot bronze sculpture to the Spanish-speaking people of South Kensington in 1997 as a token of friendship and cooperation between the two communities. The idea of the sculpture was conceived in 1994 when a visiting delegation of Spanish businessmen met with local representatives of the American Street Empowerment Zone; both groups saw an opportunity to increase economic exchange between pan-Latino South Kensington and Spain. Placed at the gateway to the American Street Empowerment Zone, Quixote overlooks the razed site of Schmidt’s Brewery — the quintessential reminder of Kensington’s former industrial might — and embodies the hopes and aspirations of a neighborhood on the rise.

WOAH ROCINANTE!

Quixotic means idealism without regard to practicality. I can’t think of a more quixotic act than dropping a Don Quixote statue in the middle of a Puerto Rican ghetto under the premise, “Puerto Ricans speak Spanish, Cervantes spoke Spanish, why not?”

EVEN QUIXOTE MUST RESPECT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS.

What other monument both pays homage to the person and actively displays their greatest feat. It would be like if someone built a Christopher Columbus monument that sailed back and forth across the Atlantic.

Quixote faces his ferocious Giant.

Yah, yah!

Faster!, I don’t seem to be getting any closer.

Yah, yah, we’re almost there.

It can be hard to confront your limits. At the end of Quixote he becomes completely sane and then dies of heartbreak.

Just to enjoy a statue you need a little bit of delusion. The thought of even building one seems dumb unless you ignore most of history.

If you take away all the delusion this is all thats left, a ceaseless grind. To not see any hope in a grey day is its own illusion.

Keep your ideals cause at least then you have a shot at taking on the windmill. By the way I’ve never read Don Quixote.

Photos Courtesy of Dan and Robert Goodman.

Excerpt from the book:

No one had ever talked to her that way. When Mahmoud said, “I fucking kill you.” her heart melted. 

He wasn’t just a malnourished terrorist. He had a sensitive side, like when he cleaned his gun. Watching those delicate hands oiling the gun barrel, she thought, “Oh!, how I want to be Mahmoud’s Kalishnikov and have him fire me in the air for no good reason. Use me Mahmoud. Use me to pistol whip the faces of those that don’t understand our love.”

Sometimes love points a gun at your heart, ties it up, and forces it to pee in a bucket during a 12 day stand off.

She wasn't fat, it was just this much hanging off the side

The Supreme Dictator of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has suggested that his citizenry lose weight. Chavez smartly only mentioned gordos (fat men) in his speech about obesity. When referring to Venezuela’s female citizens he said,  “I’m not saying fat women, because they never get fat.” He added coyly: “Women sometimes fill out.” [full story]

Meanwhile Chavez has no problem telling the President of Spain he’s a fascist to his face or calling George Bush the Devil in UN speeches.  Or check out a clip from Hugo Chavez’s presidential call-in show, “¡Alo, Presidente!”. He calls Bush a donkey at 0:50 :

Click here to view the embedded video.

Good Morning, Obama! coming soon

Even a despot in complete control of the state’s media, police, and military wouldn’t dare call a woman fat. Order must be maintained, and fat women must always be told they look good. These are society’s rules.

Ironically, dictators are always crowd pleasers. They always tell people what they want to hear, “We’re gonna win the war. No more taxes. The revolution is here. It’s not your fault, it’s the foreigners.”

Chavez always plays the crowd. He sings love songs:

Click here to view the embedded video.

He uses Venezuela’s passion for Baseball to pump up his speeches. He says he gonna beat Bush with a bat. And whose bat is it? It’s Detroit Tigers and Venezuelan hometown hero Miguel Cabrera‘s bat:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Kerry Connects with the Everyman

Check out the show he puts on when he visits Russia. Work the maracas, baby!

Click here to view the embedded video.

The CIA staged a coup, political opposition has fought for years, but Chavez knows the truth, don’t tell the truth and people will love you. Tell women they need to lose weight and you’ll have an Angry Fat Lady Army(AFLA) revolution.

The women won’t actually do anything,  they’ll just make their brow beaten husbands overthrow the government. It’ll be the first revolution out of obligation.

“Tell him.”

Man shuffles forward while his fat angry wife looks on,”Look Chavez we gotta ask you to go. Karen is really pissed, I mean you understand. She’s really sensitive about her weight.”

Chavez,”Okay dude, I was wasted. Sorry.”

End Scene. The Chavez Regime has fallen.

For more on why you should hate skinny bitches, Mo’Nique. :

Click here to view the embedded video.

Or read her book:

In this case Evil means: Doesn't breathe heavily while eating a steak.

She's definitely thinking about Snausages.

Donald Trump told Howard Stern she was an “eating machine”. She later fucked Fernando Acaso on the Mexican version of Celebrity Big Brother,  La Granja de Los Famosos(The Celebrity Farm). Bobby Abreu of the Anaheim Angels wasn’t happy because well, he was engaged to her.

For the full video of Alicia Machado cheating on Bobby Abreu [click here] SFW.

Minute 3:45 is when the silly shit kicks in. words, “Tienes una pinga divina.” You have a divine cock.

You never want someone to cheat, but there’s something worse about fucking a guy on reality t.v. who is famous for dubbing over the voice of Jim Belushi.

Now a scene of Bobby Abreu finding out she cheated on him:

Bobby Abreu: Big Brother?

Friend: Nope. Mexican Big Brother.

Bobby Abreu: The Spanish Voice of John Belushi?

Friend: Nope. Jim Belushi.

Bobby Abreu: Jim Belushi! Wow I am a superstar baseball player and she just cheated on me with the human equivalent of Pathmark brand Cola.

Alicia Machado prefers the Real American Taste of Esselunga Cola.

Top

Tammy Faye-Burkina Faso

The Pope’s first visit to the Thunderdome

At least once a month he says, “Stop it you’re hurting me.”

Checkmate! She can move like a King or a Queen

Tranny Tips: It’s a guy if you can tell which one is paying for dinner

I can’t mention international chick-dudes without mentioning this ma-lady, Andre J:

Yes it’s me Abe Lincoln. The Time Machine malfunctioned horribly.

I used to see Andre J alot walking around the Village and Chelsea. So much so, I thought he was my Jim Morrison’s Naked Indian. You never look as crazy as asking someone on the street, “Did you see that Abe Lincoln Tranny?”
 

I knew he didn’t work because I always saw him during the day shopping, or just wandering the streets. It’s not like he could get a city job. After googling “abe lincoln beard tranny” I finally found my answer. Of course, he’s a Vogue Fashion Model:

This year is all about bearded trannys and satin snuggies.

Andre J grew up in the projects of Newark. If you grow up in the ghetto and decide to dress like that, cheers! I’d tell him he had a real set of balls, if I didn’t think he’d take it as insult.
 

Karnac the Fabulous

WINDCHIMES

The envelope please. The question is, “What do you call a hermaphrodite’s penis.”

Here’s what Andre says about himself:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Scarlett Johansson is trying to win an Oscar

Top

Mussolini just told Hitler a killer guido joke

 The diaries bring to light how much his mistress loved and cared for him. Walter Audisio, who shot Mussolini, said, “I did not have the impression that I was shooting a human being.” He was surprised when Mussolini trembled. Benito Mussolini shouldn’t be remembered as an evil man. He should be remembered as just another dickhead in a silly hat.

I'm gonna get those Deltas for ruining Faber University

Never Trust Dudes who Dress Up

Pretty Good Prank

Putting the scepter in his dead hand is genius. It’s like a really high brow version of writing BITCH on your passed out friend’s forehead.
Top

Yup it's a Hitler Moustache at a Genocide Trial.

Improbably enough this Rwandan man, Idelphonse Nizeyimana, accused of creating the lists of Tutsis to be murdered, pleaded not guilty of genocide, cough, while wearing a Hitler moustache, or as he calls it, a Hip-ler.[full story]

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he doesn’t know what’s associated with the moustache. Maybe he’s just a fan a dictator closer to home, Robert Mugabe(see prev post)

He's a silent film buff who didn't pay attention in school

You can’t claim ignorance. The Hitler Moustache is probably number three on the list of recognizable images. Number 1 is the Atomic Bomb, Number 2 is Jordan’s Jumpman Logo, and Number 3 is the Chaplin/Hitler stache which you get to wear when you’re the most popular person in your country.
ONE:

PLUS TWO:   

PLUS THREE:        

From Riefenstahl's Photoshop

Top

Statues moved in, there goes the neighborhood

This is what the completed monument is supposed to look like:

13ft taller than the Eiffel tower and it's got way better abs and titties

Abdoulaye Wade, 83yr old president, said he wants 35% of any tourism profits because he came up with idea for the statue. Everyone knows he didn’t invent that statue, this artist did, check out his ”master p-$ez’s”:

I can't stop lifting babies

I googled strong black woman, the rest was easy.

Scatman Crothers loves the genre:

From the new Ethan Allen catalogue

This monument celebrates Africa’s liberation from “centuries of ignorance, intolerance and racism” with Africa’s current problems: staggering corruption and bugged eyed presidents:

President of Senegal, "Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?"

Uganda President Yoweri "Cocaine Eyes" Museveni

Mali President Alpha "Oooh Weee!" Oumar Konaré

Niger President Tandja Mamadou ready to tell the U.N. who stanks

Zimbawe President Robert Mugabe goes with the always understated Hitler moustache

Recently killed Guinea-Bissau President Joao Bernardo Vieira won the election in a bareknuckle brawl

Chad President Idriss "Trust Me" Deby

Top

 

Slovak sign Superior to Hungarian Sign

Steaks shed light on Mumia Case

Top

Shake up the office with a tank-tie-kalishnikov combo

For the mom that needs to Multi-Task

Liberian belief dressing like Tyler Perry's Madea makes you invincible

This kid is huge in Japan

Amputee Capris

Denim makes Metrosexual manly.

Loafers can really dress up a casual look.

For more on why child soldiers dress like ladies check out this article:
[full story]
For more on the naked guy, he is General Buck Naked. Leader of a child soldier army, ate a kids heart, and like all scumbags, now a Christian Preacher. He is the President of the End Time Train Evangelistic Ministries Inc. Alright dude, I guess so. I hope someone names their indie rock band End Time Train Evangelistic Ministries Inc.
[The Story of Gen. Buck Naked]
Top

I've never been more Pro-Landmine

It’s hard to think about someone who loves Nickelback so much they make Nickelback Fanart.
It’s even harder to think about a person, whose made so much Nickelback fan art, they want to help other people make Nickelback Fan Art. Follow the link to see how best to draw Nickelback Front Man Chad Kroeger: [How To Draw Nickelback]

Top